My Conscious, Revisited

A little over a year ago, I made a short about myself and how I was feeling called All By My Conscious Self. There was a lot going on with me back then and the only way I could express myself was by making a video. It came off emo and deep, but it captured who I was. When I posted it, people reacted to it and one person replied that it seemed like there was going to be a second part to it. At the time, I wasn't planning on a second part. It was suppose to be a stand alone piece just for my audience to get a glimpse of what was going on in my life and a visual look of my conscience going at each other. With all the events happening with me lately, something told me that I needed to go back to that place in my head where the creative met the emotional.
With everything that was happening to me in the past few weeks, I felt everything that I touched or tried to influence was backfiring on me. I bottled up my emotions because I thought those type of things only happen to me and I just accepted it. But what really broke me was when I trusted a decision I made to a loved one and they reacted adversely to it. The details are too much to go into, but basically I felt stupid for making a decision for myself, which lead to a rabbit hole of thoughts; I am irresponsible, I make dumb decisions, I can never free myself from the influence of others. I was a mess. I cried. I felt powerless. Added on to the fact that my internet connection stopped working at home, it was hard to communicate with the outside world what I was going through and the only person that I cried out for wasn't around.
I knew this video would be the only way I could find to deal with my feelings, let them out, and become stronger to move on. I just so happened to be sick when I shot everything. The storyline with my clone and my bad conscience fighting myself and everything else came to me automatically; I didn't write a script for it or anything, just shot. When it was all done, I put all of my energy into the editing process and it all felt so new. I put all that I could into the video and I think that's why it came out as good as it did. A piece of me is in this video and it definitely shows.
What I took from this video is I'm the only person who is going to make something happen for myself. I shouldn't make other peoples' feelings or opinions stop me from doing what I feel is right. It's not fair and I know that I would never do that to anyone else, so I could only think what makes people want to do that to me? At this point, I'm going in a little to deep, but basically, I can only move on from this video and do better things. I only hope that the events in my life won't push me to make a third addition to this unexpected series. But hey, that's what happens when you're all by your conscious self.
-Video Vix[o]n

New Year, Reel Life

(If this is your first time reading my blog, then you haven't missed much. If you're a returning reader, welcome back... you've been missed)

New Year's are always suppose to be about restarting, refreshing and renewing. For me, all of this is happening, but not the way I planned it. This is how I spent my New Year's.



I've been running into some technical issues when it comes to my equipment; my Macbook crashed on me and a piece of my camcorder is broken. My technical issues reminded me of my financial issues, lack of finances. All of these roadblocks have put a damper on my mood and my motivation to continue. It's the feeling of everything crumbling around you and having the choices of "fight or flight." I want to fly so bad, but I feel I'm being tested in a way. A test of my endurance to pursue what I want, despite the hardships. The power of overcoming struggle and finding the support of others nearby.

This week, I was suppose to be releasing my comeback video from my 2 week break. During this break, I was suppose to write scripts, organize my calender of videos to come and other projects. Now that those two weeks are over, I have produced nothing new. I had an idea of a video that i recycled, but that would have been cheating myself; releasing old video fodder just to be consistent is not a good way of providing good content. Instead, the only thing I have to show from my hiatus is my professional video reel.



This reel sums up all the work I have done in the past two years. It's crazy how I could wrap all of this into a 5 minute package, but I am proud of it. All I can do from here is expand on what I've done and become better. Until I purchase my new camera, I will resort to minimal video work and mainly video editing. I'm still looking for work and I don't know when I will blog again, but now sitting here writing this, I don't want this blog to become my emotional dumping ground. Instead this should become the center of what I do, I've done and what I will do in the future.

*Raises glass* Here's to 2011... my new confidant. May you not betray me.

-Video Vix[o]n